I was being called to surrender the very citadel of my self. I was completely in the dark. I did not really know what repentance was or what I was required to repent of.
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yes...It's a lazy Thursday
a series of colors in black and white
A tribute to cleansing
Perhaps this time around it is meant to happen.
The future is bleak and daunting.
I always tell myself to turn around every situation to my advantage, and more often than not things always go my way. I try to turn every perspective into something that would benefit me, I always boost myself and pep myself up to be so loudly energetic.
But all that is being sucked into a void.
Last night I realized that I couldn’t bring myself to be where I was years ago – I was happy, with you.
Metaphors could not describe the vacuum you have left inside me. It dawned to me when I was mindlessly babbling about the places we used to “hide away”.
Our little corner in our own little world.
The hate and rage I have kept and nurtured inside inspired me and motivated me to step up and take it like a man. With this lump of feelings you have left me, I told myself I will make something spectacular out of it. And somewhat that’s what I did.
I never knew that the sorrow you have left fueled my creative thinking; my self proclaimed writing ability – the source of every sappy story I came up with.
You are – were always the women portrayed in every story I made.
And now, I feel that I am running out of materials to draw from that sorrow. Could it be that I no longer feel anguish about the past? So this should be a good thing. But the more I accept that fact, the more I dread that I could no longer write those things I love.
I used to love the thought of our parallel lives; wherein I live our what ifs and what could have beens. I could think of many things, and throw many ironic things about living and loving that it could become tiresome. Ah, here’s one, how a person you once called your life ended up to be the most insignificant being in planet blue.
But truly, it turns and life goes on.
Here no heat could distract my mindless rambling, only the ticking of clocks and the mindless droning of the aquarium, circulating the water as it would not become so completely muddled.
Why was it you left me in the first place?
The night was shattered with the breaking of dawn. A slow light creeping beneath the windows – golden, subtle. I sat there, awake admiring how the sun touched the sky’s face with golden ease.
The world is a constant change of things; I sleep in a lush vegetation only to wake up in a desolate wasteland. I try to reflect all the things that you have left me; unanswered questions, unsaid words.
I have traveled the same road for two years; alone and unchanging. The only change that came are the gossamer shapes of people, constantly shifting from one to the other; a fluctuation of light and shadow.
I nod in complete agreement, the tank is empty; I could no longer write about our parallel existence, I could no longer remember the sad memories.
I have finally run out of fuel.
But maybe someday when I’m old and demented, as my brain slowly discard all the memories I have then, the page of this close chapter will slowly reveal itself again, and only the happy ones will be remembered; the fog, chopsticks, a coffee shop and your smiling face, completely covered in rain.
Spent the Holy Week in Manila, alone and out of my head. Lazed around the house for a couple of days, pulling my hair, sitting on the bean bag watching TV, or in front of the computer, infront of a blank paper, infront of a blank notebook, outside feeding the dog, infront of still subjects, infront of the sink, infront of the stove. Course I tried inviting some people but it’s either they are out of town or spending time with their family. This is just a sad sad thing. When you feel like your body is broken in half and people are trying to hunt you down and eat your guts. good-bye eggie, good-bye good-bye.♫♪♫
Last night’s poker game didn’t go well. It started out to be okay, food were on the table, players started to roll. We had a few quick games before we started raising the pot, that’s when things began to get a little suspicious. It’s only then I figured out something’s really wrong when the three of us got pocket rockets! The other one ransacked the food…tsk tsk the nerve, and the other one didn’t care about anything but himself and camwhored all the time. Guess next time I’ll be careful who to invite during poker games.
“So what are you up to these days?” he started.
The setting was vaguely familiar to him, yet it was quite different at the same time. The sunlight seem to creep in a little but never touching her face. He stared back at her; not a thing about her changed except that she seemed a little bit mature and more beautiful. He was stirring his coffee unconsciously patiently waiting for an answer, but she just sat there staring into space and so he went on.
“It was unexpected for me to meet you in a place like this…”
Silence.
“…I mean for you to pop in like this.”
It’s been three years since he got a word from her, three years since they parted ways. A small curved formed from her lips. A smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes, but it was a smile nonetheless. He remembered that, she used to have braces but it wasn’t there anymore. Why won’t she speak? He barely felt the knot that has been forming inside his chest, and her silence echoed the increments of his beating heart.
He took one sip of coffee and continued.
“Funny because, I have been seeing a lot of you lately in my dreams, just fragments but…”
The afternoon wind gushed through his face, a slight whisper and was gone. He never thought where he was until he looked around, he looked up in the sky to find that it was a mixture of pastel colors; red, magenta, orange, blue, purple, all waving through the endless horizon. The trees were as green as it instantly turned into ash. The place was desolated in an instant, and all was left is him and her and a sliver of light separating them both.
She leaned forward but not touching the light, she was going to say something, she opened her mouth…
…and he opened his eyes.
The afternoon was humid as any other day would be. He wakes up from the slither of sunlight touching his eye. And prays that it is sweat that is running through his face.
“Again” he thought.
Bits and pieces of her is starting to emerge again from a forgotten past. It has been long buried from deep inside his memories, yet the dreams are becoming more and more unwanted, unrelenting, uninviting.
While at work I doodled ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’ and thought to myself to make a concept of it later when I get home. I was looking forward to the post I made on my multiply if some ‘fish’ were caught in the ‘net’.
I think I made a lot of people upset for bringing out concern about a false incident. But I guess that made my day. I realized I’m too tired to do anything (but forced himself to do his chores since he’s the only person staying there for three weeks.) , then I decided to play the concept anyway and it didn’t come out the way I imagined it to be. Please, share some nasty words and criticize. Monkey out.
I felt so bad late last night when I told a friend of mine that I quit my job. She was so concerned about the whole thing; about me leaving without notice and started giving me advice that I should properly file my resignation and all that. Our conversation went on for a good hour or so.
It went something like this…
- concerned friend: so when’s your last day then?
- me: awol na
- concerned friend: wag karl
- me: nah…im tired
- me: i dont want any hassle
- concerned friend: ano nilagay mo na effectivity date?
- me: ill pack my things tomorrow and head home
- me: awol na ko. di ako magpapaalam
- concerned friend: what triggered this?
- concerned friend: karl wait…
- me: no no..its okay
- me: i tried to reason pero
- me: wala
- me: i just dont see the point anymore
- concerned friend: sino ba kaaway mo dun?
and continued to
- concerned friend: how long have you been thinking this over?
- me: tagal na. i just reached the threshold
- concerned friend: what did you say sa resignation letter?
- me: awol nga.
- me: parang magtataka nalang sila
- me: asan na si karl?
- me: pfft vanished
- me: siguro ill go backpacking nalang around the country
- concerned friend: karl… just send your resignation tom… effective immediately. para maayos
- me: i even lost my camera
- concerned friend: aww sorry…
- me: it’s alright
- me: anyway….
- me: tulog na ako……
- concerned friend: karl
- concerned friend: ayusin mo please?
- me: \m/ \m/ rock on
- concerned friend: ano ka ba?
- me: i think i know what triggered this…
- concerned friend: what?
- me: it’s because, it’s…
- me: April
- concerned friend: i hate you
- me: aaaaaw
- me: that’s such a strong word
- me: :p
I can’t help pulling her leg. Was that mean? Not so I think. Strange thing though, just the thought of quitting my job is making me happy. That’s disturbing. I just can’t abandon my plans just yet.
Head feels a little bit heavy today, lack of sleep I guess. So I went downstairs and found myself making a cup of coffee. Realized that I’m home alone for three weeks. *grins*
Opened my music player and Corrine Bailey Rae started singing Like A Star.
